The Céad Mile High Club

14th Mar 2012

Retired boxer Bernard Dunne is the latest celebrity passenger to roll up to the Irish language check-in desk to book a flight to Gaelgóir Heaven with his new series 'Bród Club' on RTE.

Flights to any destination are always full of interesting characters so if you’re thinking of grabbing a cheap seat on this one you’d better read our airport safety information before you take-off….

Despite the cringe moments Dub Dunne's programme might be the slap in the face the Irish language needs to properly proliferate Click here if you want to sign up to Dunne's campaign

Destinations
Airlines often advertise flights to “Barcelona” or “Paris” for you only to find out as you approach the runway that you are landing in something resembling Ilen Rover’s GAA pitch on the road into Baltimore – a couple of empty sheds, a man who doesn’t seem to speak English and a sealed up bus with no driver.

Fáilte go Galway West! When we land just get the ferry from Inis Méan to the mainland, jump on the asal for a mile and then thumb a lift the rest of the way to Galway.

Just like Ryanair, anyone who has taken a cheap flight expecting to land at Gaelgóir Central may be in for a surprise. Irish classes might land you in the right country but you have to work hard to make any progress towards your final destination.

Priority Boarding
Do you have an official Irish qualification or did you spend several years as Seán Bán Breathnach’s personal masseuse? If so, then you may zip past the plebs in the long queue and  take your seat on this non-stop flight to Gaelgóir Heaven while the rest of us get held up by the ineptitude of those who are supposed to be issuing instructions up the front.

Do rogha.

Those with priority boarding are easy to spot at Irish events. Even though they were neither raised nor born in a Gaeltacht a mockeyeah Blasket island accent which requires engaging the part of the back of throat that makes snot is a must.

Also carries a signed copy of Peig at all times and can be seen quietly slipping pain strong killers into his mouth when in the vicinity of non-fluent speakers.

Passengers with Medical Conditions
The flight to a bilingual Ireland will always be fraught with bad weather and technical problems that are bound to make passengers uncomfortable.

A small number of fluent Irish speakers (and rarely, if ever, native speakers) have a little known opto-cerebral medical condition whereby the brain forces the eyes to roll upwards when a grammatical error is heard. If several mistakes are made within a short period of time these sensitive passengers can be seen to physically froth at the mouth. 

Oxygen masks will be released when attempting the modh cionníollodh

Many cultivate excessive ear wax making bad Irish harder to hear. When ascending to high altitudes such as the ‘modh coinníollach’ or conditional tense you can actually hear their ears pop.

Excess Baggage
Many novice Irish speakers arrive at events or classes with an enormous amount of excess baggage. Until they engage with check-in staff many of them aren’t even aware of the amount of additional baggage they actually have on them.

Reviving your Irish is highly recommended if it’s been on your mind for a while but there are a few things to bear in mind. Eight or twelve basic classes won’t turn you into a decent Irish speaker, nor will a year of learning off verbs or seanfhocals so when somebody speaks Irish to you and you don’t understand what they are saying just tell them exactly that.

You know you're a Gaelgóir when the first thing you see here is the exit sign without an Irish translation and not the fit hostess who wants to hug you.

Don’t get agitated, embarrassed or, as some do, get aggressive and decide that there’s a conspiracy among Irish speakers to ignore anyone who doesn’t understand them.

Yes, we all know it was taught badly in school. But that’s all you are allowed to bring on board and no more. Did you pack this bag yourself sir? 
 

Pilots
These are the professionals of the Irish speaking world who are tasked with steering passengers towards their desired bilingual destination, the men and women who are trusted by taxpayers to guide the national language through the clouds.

Some are hard working, honest souls who really want to make a difference. Others seem to just revel in the cosiness of the lucrative pilot seat – the ones who have joined the profession because they are most comfortable when up there in clouds.

Tá gach rud go breá!

These highly paid incompetent pilots don’t like communicating with their passengers during bumpy weather for fear their inadequacies might be detected - except of course when it’s safe to set off the noisy tannoy trumpets to herald “another on-time flight” when the plane is safely on the ground.

Petrified passengers might be unaware of the party in the cockpit but the in-flight data recorder is the pilot’s biggest enemy.

The Control Tower
Back in September this year Comhdháil Náisiúnta na Gaeilge (National Council of Irish) hosted an evening in Ballincollig to discuss the 20 Year Strategy for Irish adopted by the last government. This is the quango that the government have entrusted to roll out the plan – the air traffic controllers of Irish language airspace.  

You couldn’t have made it up. With an entourage of what must have been ten staff, a queue of well paid public servants stood up and rambled about the language and their own heroic efforts to keep it alive for well over an hour.

'Left Patsy! Left!'

Of the twenty or so people in attendance in the huge hall almost half had left by the end with ramblings from civil servants that would have made a sermon from an ninety-year old narcoleptic priest seem like an episode from The Wire.

The only feather-ruffling came from a plucky young teacher from Carrigaline. The suits smiled politely at his well-thought out alternatives and checked their watches. The control tower had already delivered its instructions – there were to be no discussions about the flight path.

If you fancy taking up Irish again there are excellent conversation classes running year round at Gael Taca on Sullivan's Quay.

Email eolas@gael-taca.com or call 021 4310841 for more info.