The Coldest Places In Cork

19th Feb 2003

The Coldest Places In Cork
Some places in Cork haven't had temperatures above minus 10 degrees celsuis since the end of the Ice Age back in 1984. With the easterly winds a blowing here is PeoplesRepublicOfCork.com's guide to those spots that will send the shakin' up your bacon....


North and South Main Street
It interesting that despite Cork being the most southern city in the country we must have the coldest street in Ireland if not the world. The street lines up perfectly north on the compass which means coldness coming from the North pole has a clear path right the way up as far as Barrack st at the other end.

According to the heads at Beamish the money to be saved on refrigeration was one of major factors in placing the brewery where it is today.
Its also no surprise that despite the name as Cork's "main" street the emphasis is now on Patrick St.as our main street. Cleverly Pana is bendy so any cold air coming from the North is piped down Winthrop Street and into the GPO.

The main streets would be a good place to locate asylum seeking Eskimos should any arrive in. They could build their igloos in the car park of St. Francis Church - the only thing that might threaten their structure is the warm stream of urine that flows down the street on weekends.

Merchant's Quay
Waiting for a bus or in the queue at the ATM can be life threatening not to mention the swarms of 8 year old Darrens 'n' Jaysins that gather there. It is rumoured that Merchant's Quay has never seen the sun. Not only that but there is a large air pressure difference between either end of the quay that causes a mysterious artic wind to blow along it in the same direction as the traffic. When you get to Parnell Place, Patrick Street or turn over onto Patrick's Bridge it magically disappears.

The corpo recently permitted one lane of east bound traffic along the quay to try to solve the problem but their work was in vain. Mick Ripley who delivers fruit and vegetables to Roches Stores and is a relative of the family behind Ripley's Believe Or Not says he is definitely due a visit from the clann soon and will get them to suss it out.
"We'll definitely be in the city centre when they come to visit", says Mick "they are facinated by mystery and unusual phenomenon so I take them to the Catwalk. I'm sure we can pop over to the quay for a quick sconse."

The Lough
If thermometers and other fancy instruments didn't exist it would be by the waters of The Lough that we would gauge how cold the weather in Cork really is. Undoubtedly the bench mark of all coldness, when the Lough shows signs of ice - it is cold. You'd think it would be a worrying time for all the birds...not at all! Kind hearted citizens bring out every heal of bread that has passed through their household in the previous 12 months for the swans and their mates to stuff themselves. Its like an All You Can Eat for birds. Some of swans have a reputation of being very picky in good times like these - if your bread isn't Donnelly's they turn their beak up and hiss in disgust. Bloody snobs.

Local comedy fans clap their hands as punters from all over the county converge not just to feed the birds or witness the amazing sight of the frozen Lough but sometimes to try their hand at ice skating Cork style. More ice survival really.
This inevitably necessitates a guinea pig , usually the scrawniest and most gullible of the group being forced out to test the stability of the ice. Sometimes the ice in the Lough can hold an average child's weight for a good 10 seconds - sadly the fatter the kid the harder they fall. In this case the colder the fall. Definitely a sight to behold as each lemming takes to the ice assured by large audiences (disguised as walkers): "gwan sure! its only up to your knees if ya fall biy!"


Cobh
One of the most beautiful places in the county. The cathedral, the regatta, fine watering holes and plenty of mad history but Cobh is quite simply freezing. Always. Its south facing and everything but no matter where you go or what you have on you're always cold in Cobh.
You'd imagine this wouldn't be the case but it is. It must be the opposite of global warming as well because it seems to get colder there every year. Cobh was built by Jamaicans who arrived in Cork long ago. Always homesick abroad they built the town facing directly out the mouth of the harbour so that with a telescope and a couple of joints it is actually possible to see their homeland.

Sadly after the great drought of May 1987 when Toby Noonan Snr. was hauled in with a yacht full of hash in Crosshaven many of the Jamaicans left Cobh for more hazy climates and it seems that they literally took the weather with them. After the failure of several reggae nights to warm up the place Councillors in the town have been lobbying the Immigration Office to send any Caribbean refugees to Cobh in an attempt to raise local temperatures and alleviate dependence on medical cards.