The Holiday Theory

30th Oct 2002

The Holiday Conspiracy Theory

by Mickey The Bags

This morning I woke up having had the most vivid dream I ever had. I was at a party in a house in the south of France. The party was in the drawing room of a huge mansion rented out by the FAI, the freshly tanned pudgy faced officials in their Armani suits laid out on black leather couches with their shirts open revealling heavy gold medalions and stout bellies. Brandy was being served to me by scantily clad maids with Anglo-Irish football accents. Most of the officals were glued to a ten foot high screen watching Latvian ladies badminton on Sky Sports. A brown paper package, carelessly ripped open, spilled heaps of cocaine on to a low glass table in front of me. Various ofiicials were approaching the table with rolled up fifty euro notes only to leave with a smile and blushed faces. Just outside I could make out the heads of Brendan Menton (FAI President), SKY's Rupert Murdoch and another face I had never seen before standing in a swimming pool, warm water up their chests smoking cigars. Who was the other guy I wondered?
      Just then I received a friendly nudge in the side. I turned to see none other than Johnny Giles with his breath held, motioning me to take hold of a giant bong which, by his face, he obviously had in his possesion far too long. As I seemed to be in Dublin where they don't have offical smoking rules written into law I discarded Cork rigid smoking and quite excited I grabbed it and wrapped my lips around its outlet, poised as I waited for the draw to enter my brain. I closed my eyes and sucked viciously. A weird taste of feet filled my mouth and I felt the elbow again, this time it was much harder. Opening my eyes my old doll was looking none too impressed as I lay there sucking the toe jam off her toes.....

   When I heard the news last Friday night the feeling I got was one far worse than that toe jam in my mouth. I was driving my Punto near the Lough about nine bells and I had one of those rare moments when you get totally carried away when you hear something scandalous on the news, AIB spondoolie fiddling, paedophile swimming trainers, Roy Keane sent home from Japan etc.   It causes you to clench your fist and start these stupid rages in a high pitched voice without ending sentences "THOSE FUCKIN''