The Long Wait for the Big Day

16th Dec 2010

Odds have been slashed on a white Christmas in Cork but would any of the last few weeks have really counted as a 'whitey' in Cork? While Ireland was caked in snow Cork city got off lightly - the opposite of the heavy rain around this time last year which left large parts of the city underwater. That's karma or maybe our reward from the Great One for bringing Sam Maguire back home.

A Cork smallie waits patiently. If its a good present he can sell it to help pay back German banks.

In case smallies were disappointed at the lack of days off school compared to the rest of the dossers up the country there's some other good news: Lapland has remained largely unscathed by the recent global economic crisis and early reports suggest that Santy's sleigh will be as heavy as last year on its approach to Cork.

Even the new travel tax reduction will be a welcome boost for the man in red as last Christmas the scrooge-like Dublin Government lobbed a travel tax not only Santy but on each of his reindeers as well.

This tax hasn't been scrapped but it has been significantly reduced so Cork kids can be assured that the Lapland budget is very much in surplus again this year.

While most countries are starting to pull out of their respective recessionary troubles and getting back into positive growth, Ireland is still in the process of bottoming out.

Staying with the backside analogies for a minute (sensitive readers and pun-haters may want to butt out until the next paragraph) if the problems of other sovereign states amounted to an unsightly builder's bum, then Ireland's embarrassing position is that its pants are firmly around its ankles with its cheeks fully exposed and frozen with the cold.

Not only that but the IMF are standing over Ireland's bare backside dispensing primary-school-style 'cheesers' with wooden measuring sticks while we fumble at our feet searching around for our belt and braces which appear to have been missing for sometime.

Thankfully though Lapland and its nominal head of state President Santy Claus have steered their population clear of the global downturn. The toy producing country has very strong exports and competes indirectly only with Wales and Poland who produce coal for bold children.

Setanty: no fear of his stick warping.

Last year, child boldness in Ireland increased by about 3% as kids previously spoilt in the Celtic Tiger became cheeky and pouty as their parents made cuts to their household budgets. When Bord Gais and the ESB cut off impoverished households after Christmas to pay their fat cat chief executives at least there'll be some use for that coal.

HURLEYS

There was some minor concern last year over the standard of hurley dropped off by Santy around Cork on Christmas eve. Thousands of normal Cork kids request a stick and sliothar every year and it is believed that several hurley makers from the Rebel County, including Cork's former All-Ireland winning captain Ben O'Connor have journeyed to Lapland to help elves to create proper hurleys suitable for young Rebels.

Several complaints were made last year when warped hurleys appeared under Christmas trees. Local experts believe Santy's elves made a mistake in storing the sticks out in the cold where many of them warped - as is common for hurleys left in the boots of cars during cold snaps.

Others believe certain elves have established a grá for the game and are practicing side-line cuts with Christmas tree bells in the snow before loading them onto Santy's sleigh. It is believed the authorities in Lapland have launched an enquiry into the wonky hurleys and a report will be issued to the Cork County Board forthwith.

HERE COMES SCROOGE

Santy doing an inventory check outside the new hurley storage facility in lapland.

There's always a scrooge to be seen in the dark corners of Cork at this time of year and we all know who they are. Don't be surprised if the government's toy soldiers hint at a tax on kids' Christmas presents before the end of next week.

The Department of Finance (which you can explain to smallies, is a place where silly robots that keep making the same mistakes over and over again are stored) is likely to start taxing anything they can think of to make up for their decade of floundering.

Their master robots Fianna Fáil are no better. They output the same three or four sentences repeatedly, head off in a particular direction until they hit a wall and then look for external help when they find themselves lost and banging their heads off a wall. Our only hope is the knowledge that their batteries are finally running out.

Until then our guess is that the government are split on taxing toys. While Fianna Fáil might want to avoid taxing property based playthings like dolls' houses and lego hotels the Greens would want to tax toys based on how much they are used, thus kids who find computer games and remote control cars under their tree on Christmas morning will get a hammering.

Of course if Santy wants to really out-do himself this year he could always bring Corkonians a wonderful gift of a new government. And for a surprise he could seal up the borders as well so we can be rid of those to the north who burden our greatness.