Theres Snow Limit

30th Nov 2010

Although Cork's tropical climes have barely been affected by the unseasonably cold weather it has been interesting over the last week to watch the rest of the island on television covered in a blanket of freezing white silk.

What better way to feel good about being a Cork citizen than to view news reports of snow ploughs, blizzards and shivering Dubliners and then take a lamp out your window to see green fields, trees waving in the wind and fellas out gardening in their Cork jerseys. Ah yes, the south. The job.

There has been a lot of talk about children's rights in the media at the moment and there is none more important than the right of the child to a day off school if it's snowing.

A touch of snow on the southside as viewed from Sunday's Well.

Under Section 4.3 subsection B of the constitution of the Peoples Republic of Cork, the law states that "when snow fall exceeds a depth of two crubeens anywhere within the Cork county bounds all smallies therein shall be entitled to a full day off and should be allowed to watch telly all day b y their mams".

Furthermore a new section for both primary and secondary school children has seen the law recently amended to include a provision to ensure that no extra homework be issued by teachers in anticipation of snow fall and a day off school.

This sneaky pre-emptive tactic is often used by teachers to make sure students keep on working on their special day off and we can assure readers that this will not be enforceable under the provisional PROC government due to take office in the coming decade.

The contrast between the reaction of smallies and biggies to the weather conditions is often a source of great amusement.

While adults seem to moan about treacherous driving conditions, slippy footpaths and frozen pipes the little ones can barely contain their excitement as thoughts of snowball fights, building snowmen, days off school and no homework fill their heads - not to mention the sight of huge snow ploughs and 'pure daycint lorries' spewing out salt on the roads.

SNOWBALL DECORUM

Now that temperatures are finally descending below freezing on Leeside its important to keep snowball warfare on our minds. It's an odd human characteristic to want to throw snowballs when you think about it. The thing that makes it particularly strange is that a target is required to make throwing one thoroughly satisfying - firing one into thin air simply to see it hit the ground is as interesting as watching a Dáil debate on excise duty. We need a big reaction. Something, or somebody, needs to provide some feedback to our projectile in the form of a noise like a thud, a yelp or a shriek - followed you hope, by some return fire.

Leary hooded up Kenny style at the salty North Gate bridge this morning

Snowballs only hurt if you get clocked in the head and it's easy to minimise the chances of getting dawked by one. Wearing proper winter protection from the cold like a 'Kenny-hood' (the South Park character whose face is always concealed by an enormous hooded orange anorak) minimises your chances of getting whacked in the face by an incoming ice missile - if one appears on your radar all you have to do is to look away to defend yourself.

Without a proper padded waterproof hood even putting your hands up to deflect the snowball will be futile. You're in for it!

One of the most prominent unwritten rules is that icy snowballs are off limits. You can test your snowballs first against a wall to check its solidity. If the core of the ball still remains intact after impact then the snow is too icy and thus too dangerous to throw. Scraping snow off a driveway or road might contaminate the snowball with stones too so only the real fluffy stuff is game.

AMBUSHED BY SMALLIES

In suburban areas these are dangerous times for fully grown adults as smallies seek targets for their abundant arsenals of snowballs.

Being ambushed by smallies when you're a biggie yourself sets off a wealth of conflicting emotions. On one hand it feels like you have been physically assaulted. On the other hand it's only snow like!

In this day and age no grown adult can be seen to be pursuing fleeing children under almost any circumstance so this makes defending your position difficult - especially if the smallies have assembled in large numbers and are uploading live footage of you to the internet while you decide how to react.

The Poor Claires get nasty on College Road

Even if the ice cold impact of a series of snowballs on your noggin forces the involuntary ejection of some unsavoury expletives in the direction of the anoraked squawking hobbits this may have English red-top tabloid journalists and photographers assembling outside your home within the hour to report on Cork's new 'hideous snow beast'.

Basically, you simply cannot return fire or seek revenge in anyway or your raging face will become an online viral video within minutes.

Unfortunately, the only reaction is to ensure that you are seen to get the joke. Grit your teeth and laugh out loud. Give them the thumbs up and say "good one lads, nice shot!". Make sure the kids are thinking what you want them to think: Dey has done a funny ting and they are the winner of you.

With such a disappointingly passive reaction from you they are bound to want to seek out a more reactionary target and will quickly melt away into the whiteness.

(Snow puns intended.)