Things That Mams Do

26th Feb 2008

Things That Mams Do
Danny Elbow

Mother's Day is this Sunday and the PROC wishes to honour all Cork mams for their efforts in raising the best smallies in Ireland. Behind every great Cork man and woman there's a great Cork mam and few of us appreciate the work that went into our nurturing until we have children ourselves.

She kept calm when you insisted on roaring your head off at a relative's funeral, shrugged her shoulders when you put mashed potatoes into the video recorder and paid the bill when you broke your neighbours window with your very first whack of a sliothar.

Just practice for the terraces

Late Night Patience
As much as your mother always thinks you're the best, there have been times where your ungrateful state as a screaming infant tested her to the very limit. Only those who have put in a hard days work only to be awoken by a human siren on the hour every hour can truly understand the sacrifice a mother really makes.

She tries to feed you but you don't want it, she changes your nappy and you're still whinging, she kisses and cuddles you as best she can but you continue roaring your lungs out in her face. And if you're feeling doubly cross (for no apparent reason other than a good test of your new lungs), why not bring up your most recent meal on to her clean nightdress for an added stress bonus?

And just as she thinks you've nodded off and stopped rocking the pram your head twitches and off you go again.

Answering for Your Inappropriateness
The difficulties arising from what emanates from your mouth as a child doesn't stop once you become capable of telling your mam what's actually wrong with you. There's nothing like public embarrassment from a toddler who whilst beginning to master the art of communication is still a novice at applying comments appropriately.

"Now love, this is your new babysitter, Margaret!"
"Maaaam? why is she so fat?"

So the sine of an angle is the opposite over the hypotenuse ok love?

There and then, facing an irate and unsympathetic victim of your ignorant honesty, your mother has to explain and apologise for your innocent but grating comments.

Calming The Old Man
You thought you did well at pretending you didn't get suspended for two days for smoking in the bike shed. Putting on your uniform everyday, kissing your mam goodbye and then ducking into a games arcade for the day made you feel so slick that you thought you might apply for the secret service instead of filling out the CAO.

Then the notice for the parent teacher meeting came through the door and she was the first to open it. Barring chicken-pox or some other misfortunate event that that might confine your parents to the bed, this unforeseen notice of contact between angry teachers and unsuspecting parents set the timetable for your lynching.

All mothers have a subtle but distinct way of slamming a door to let you know that you're in big trouble but you can tell from this one that it could be in your top three worst "deep trouble" experiences as a minor.

Despite your old fella wanting to kick down your bedroom door and pin you to the wall with a nail gun, your mam would keep him at bay until he had calmed down, preventing not just an eviction notice but the end of your life.

You've put years on your old lade

Love Beyond Bushing
There are only so many times you can spoof that your going to the cinema with your friends when you're really out bush-gatting with your friends. Your poor mam can't understand why your jeans are covered in muck and your jacket is streaked in grass stains and your reviews of major blockbusters remain strangely confined to "t'was alright".

If the first she discovers of your new found interest in alcohol is a call from your buddy's mother to inform her that you and him have been found by her husband in a less than coherent state next to an empty drinks cabinet in their house, she'll be very upset to say the least.

The poor woman has to decide whether you're a normal teenager innocently "experimenting" or whether you're a psychotic alcoholic determined to ruin the years of hard work she has put into you.

Collecting you in your sobbing semi-sober state, your mam might give you an ear full or the guilt inducing 'silent treatment' on the way home but she'll still clean the sick off your jacket and tuck your blithering but sorry head into bed.

Here's to Cork mams!