Top 10 Cute Kerry Hoors

28th Jun 2011

In the week of the Munster Football final we are going to make a grand statement in this column: Kerryman jokes are unfair. There we said it. The implication with these jibes has always been that men from the Kingdom are a bit dim and that’s not an accurate reflection of our neighbours at all.

In fact the Kerry IQ may show up as low on conventional scientific tests but these examinations rarely take into account the part of the Kerry brain that has specially evolved for ‘cute-hoorism’. 

Healy-Rae: Dissh is how i rrr-roll

Like all foreign immigrants from outside Cork, Kerry guys and gals are most welcome in the Peoples Republic. While it is possible to like them, to have the craic with them and occasionally actually understand what they are saying there is, perhaps because of our tense sporting history, always a deep founded suspicion of the cute Kerry cute hoor and what his real intention is.

For example a Kerry man who invites you to be his child’s Godfather might be doing so because he knows you’re financially generous or because you are the principal of a good school in Cork that he wants to get his kid into. Or a Kerry woman who brings an elderly man his dinner may have got a tip off that the old timer is currently composing his will. And so on.

Below we outlined some of Kerry’s higher profile top cute hoors and remind Corkonians heading to Killarney on Sunday to be vigilant at all times and regularly photograph the scoreboard in case of any funny businesses.

1. Michael Healy-Rae

There seems to be some surprise that Michael ‘Stealy’ Rae, a Kerry man, is suspected of cheating in a reality TV show contest. The Kerry TD appeared on ‘Celebrities Go Wild’ in 2007, a competition which requires the phone votes of viewers to project participants to victory. Over 3,000 votes for Healy-Rae came from an Oireachtas phone costing citizens over 2 grand.

It’s for charity so why would he manipulate a ‘reality’ TV show vote? To raise the then councillor’s limp popularity so he could eventually slot into his father’s comfy Dáil seat, salubrious salary and perky pension of course. Michael has inherited his father’s cute-hoor philosophy: why accept reality when you can create your own?
 

2. Tadgh Kenneally

The returned Aussie rules player admitted in his biography that his controversial and brutal high challenge on Cork’s Nicholas Murphy in the 2009 All-Ireland final was premeditated. Kenneally should have been red carded in the first minute but remained on the field allowing Kerry to soilk Sam Maguire.

Nic Murphy collapses after a brutal blow to the head by Kennelly (left) who later admitted targetting Murphy

3. The Handshakers of Listowel
The last thing you’d expect a community to do is to rally around a rapist moments after he has been convicted yet in December 2009 in a Listowel courtroom 40-50 men approached a local bouncer, freshly sentenced to seven years in prison, to shake his hand. The mind boggles.

4. Martin Ferris
The convicted arms smuggler who imported guns to bring death and destruction to Ireland and Britain was elected to Dáil Éireann by the people of Kerry North. When the killers of Garda Jerry McCabe were released in 2010 guess which shameless and supposedly reformed terrorist rolled up to collect them?

The alleged reformed terrorist (centre) ferries Pearse McAauley and Kevin Walsh, killers of Garda Jerry McCabe from prison

5. Galvin Klein
Need some dental work done? Look no further than the wasp-swatter and fashionista Paul Galvin. Just get into a tussle with the Kerry footballer and he’ll twist his fingers around the inside your mouth saving you a jarvey’s trap load of cash. Just ask Cork full back Eoin Cadogan for some advice before you commit. 

6. Aidan O’Mahony
A playful slap in the face from Donnacha O’Connor in the All-Ireland semi-final in 2008 saw a cringing delayed dive from the Kerry Garda and footballer that any Olympic swimmer would have been proud of – cunningly fooling the referee who sent the Cork ace off thus tilting the balance of play to the Kingdom who went on to “win”.

Here's the clip

Donaghy and O'Sullivan practice diving ahead of Sunday's clash in Killarney

7. Jackie Healy-Rae
The surname itself rings deafening bells of cute-hooring political dealings and conjures up images of the beautifully tarred boreens of South Kerry. While the Godfather may have slipped into the political background (having briefly toyed with the idea of bringing down the entire euro currency because of the political leverage he held over Fianna Fáil) his sons live on as, what are known in Kerry as ‘astute political operators’,  or just ‘chancers’ to the rest of us.

Healy-Rae used his chiseled cheek bones and jowls to charm voters like this woman who's potholes he has promised to fill

8. Dara Ó Sé
Careful scrutiny of the spines of players who have played against the Kerry midfielder will show a strange permanent indent about the size of a Kerryman’s knee who, under kick-outs,  always liked to be second to the ball.

His uncle Paidí, a staunch Fianna Fáil supporter, got into a spot of bother recently when his mysterious and lucrative appointment to Bord Iascaigh Mhara came to light. His experience as a publican and football coach will undoubtedly be vital to the struggling fishing industry.

Ó Se had a unique fielding technique as Alan O'Connor's vertibrae regularly found out

9. John O’Donoghue
Or to give him his newly updated political title “John O’Donoghue” this cute hoor Kerryman’s loyalty to an even cuter hoor of a political party was always going to result in tears….and a suspiciously large lump of cash. €126,000 in expenses to be exact on top of a whole load of other whopping wages and pensions. The disgraced former Fianna Fáil Minister was racking up tabs for limos, hats and private jets faster than Cork’s under-21’s could score points against Kerry last March.

The Kerryman shows us what its all about

10. Kerry Katona
Up to her eyes in babies, drugs and debt this misfortunate woman is a typical of example of how the tag of ‘Kerry’ can lead one down murky unrighteous paths.  

Kerry Katona prepares for her Mayor of Tralee election campaign. Still short a bomb making daddy though.