Top Ten Tips for Cork Fans

9th Aug 2012

Two Cork men are sitting next to each other on the train to Dublin.

One says to the other “excuse me, we have met before, haven’t we?”. The other smiles and replies “emmm, maybe, I’m not sure to be honest boy”. The first man says “yeah, I think I met you on this train a few months ago”.

Cutting him off mid-sentence the second man, clearly embarrassed at the suggestion from a Corkman that he might be a frequent visitor to Dublin, says “no actually, I’ve never been to Dublin before”.

The first man, momentarily taken aback pauses for a second before smiling politely.
“Actually you’re right, me neither. It must have been two other fellas”.

That’s an old Cork joke that typifies Rebel apathy for Dublin and also captures the county’s sense of humour perfectly.

PROC recommends all Corkonians traveling to Dublin wear helmets

August and September are two months where a scenario like this is far less likely to cause awkwardness among Rebels because there is a very good reason to be going or coming from Jackeenville: we’re at the business end of the championship and all games have to take place in Croker. With good performances from both hurlers and footballers the Cork-Dublin line is getting busier and busier each weekend.

According to pundits the odds are stacked against Cork for their encounter with Galway in Sunday’s All-Ireland hurling semi-final clash. Galway made mince meat of Kilkenny and gave Cork iar-bhainisteoir Denis Walsh’s side a fair aul beating last year so they appear to be on a roll while Jimmy Barry Murphy’s side are said to be too young and inexperienced.

Cork fans will go to Dublin in hope rather than expectation however, if Galway capitulate, something they have a reputation for, the celebrations in Dublin will be beyond epic.

As a result we would advise Cork fans to observe some simple rules about travelling up to Hell at the weekend:

TOP TEN TIPS FOR CORKONIANS VISITING DUBLIN

1. Do not go anywhere near Phoenix Park without a stab vest and a hurley.

2. Bring as little money as possible as it’ll probably be robbed.

The Dublin riots: every Sunday after mass Dubs gather to throw stones at the Gardaí

3. Don’t bring your car because they’ll always find some excuse to clamp a C-reg (how they’d wish they could clamp Paul Kerrigan’s lightning legs!)

4. If you can’t get a train or bus from your part of the county then park in Kildare and thumb it to Croker.

5. Buy all your supplies in Cork before you leave so you contribute as little as possible to the Dublin economy. They’ll only spend it on enormous metal spikes for their streets anyway.

Fellas selling fake tickets are the least of your worries in Dublin

6. Most Dubs are probably on drugs. Smile politely and move on quickly if you are approached.

7. If ye stay overnight take it in hour long shifts to stay awake with a hurley on your lap. You never know.

8. Yes, it is true that the water in the Liffey comes from (i.e. robbed) from other counties unlike the Lee. Typical.

9. Avoid eating burgers as they are believed to be made from cute baby dolphins caught in Dublin Bay.

They find ATM machines to complicated to use so this is how many Dubs access their cash

10. Lots of Dubliners access cash machines with JCBs and hi-mac diggers but most  also accept regular ATM cards.

(10B. Yes, it is 2012 and they are charging you more than five euro for a manky pint in a sweatbox full of randy off –duty Gardaí from the midlands.)