Top Ten Ways to Be a Better Corkonian

7th Feb 2013

If you’re reading this, like us, you probably wake up every morning thinking ‘how can I be a better Corkonian today?’. Being the best county we have to constantly improve our fanaticism lest whoever is in second place threaten our dominance. Here’s our top ten for 2013…

1. Sure Tiz Only The League
Yeah, but we’ve won it three years in a row in the football so revel in it. Don’t mind the cold - this year it’s time to man up and get yourself down to a home game. They’re playing Kildare in Pairc Úi Rinn at 7pm this Saturday night – come on down and support the lads. You can be back in town clutching a hot port by 9pm.

Colm O'Neill and Canty emerge from the three bed semi at Pairc Úi Rinn

2. Know the Side Streets
Directions to most places on the city centre island and surrounding areas are much easier to give or receive if you know the names of our side streets and lanes but more than that, it makes you a more knowledgeable Corkonian thereby placing you firmly in the ‘Best of the Best’ category.

For some it's a religion

Do you know where streets like Rutland, White, Robert, Dominic, O’Connell and Bowling Green, all are? If not, get out the map and brush up, Rebel!

 

3. Bridge The Gap
With two river channels, there are so many bridges in Cork that it’s easy to pass over one and not even notice - like, O’Neill Crowley Bridge (formerly known as George IV Bridge) in Victoria Cross. If you knew that one take a bow feen! Start there and go anti-clockwise around the two channels back to Thomas Davis Bridge and see if you can name every bridge in the city.

O'Neill Crowley Bridge at Victoria Cross: you'd hardly notice it is a bridge when you drive over it

4. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
Eggs, milk, cheese, most vegetables, fish, all meats bar horse, black pudding, stout, lager, ale even chocolate and sweets are just some of the examples of delicious Cork produced foods. We sometimes send undercover agents into supermarkets to catch bad Corkonians buying non-Cork produce when a local alternative is available. Watch your back. Or your basket at least.

5. That’s Gas
If you’re driving to Dublin always fill your car to the brim with fuel before you leave the county so you’re spending your spondoolies in the People’s Republic and not in any other county. If your dashboard’s petrol light comes on in Cashel or Thurles you can easily make it to Mitchelstown. No wimpy excuses.

Fill up in Cork before you leave the county

6. Since You Bin Gone
That waiver for bin collections is coming to an end in April. Doomsayers claim the city and county will be a sprawling mess of litter. Keep an eye out for people dumping bags and call City Council’s litter warden (1800 22 22 26) if you spot anything – they’ll be on it in a flash. And if litter piles up outside your front door or gate get off your arse and pick it up. If we’re to remain number one the gaf can’t look manky.

7. A New Forté
How oft do my thoughts only recall the first verse? Ultra Corkonians know the second verse of De Banks too. At parties when fellas pull out a guitar and delve into Tom Waits or John Martin’s back catalogue of melancholy there’s always an opportunity to reverse the feelings of misery by performing an a cappella version of The Bauld Thady Quill, Johnny Don’t Go to Ballincollig or Poc ar Buile (what? You didn’t know that was written by a Corkman?!). Sing out!

8. Say Something Daycint About Cork Everyday
Most of us bump into foreigners every day (what Corkonian doesn’t know a Kerryman, like?) so don’t forget to “big up” the Rebel County in any small way at the slightest opportunity.

C’mere see what they did to Kyrl’s Quay? New paths, lovely road surface, beeoootiful altogether.

Even in Taiwan they're talking about Cork

Be relentless and remember you are only allowed to criticise things related to Cork when with other Corkonians.

9. Annoy a Politician
The politically correct word is to ‘lobby’ a politician but we all know it’s more or less the same thing. Ireland’s cute-hoor compatible democracy is set up so that you can only have your full rights as a citizen if you pester a politician for them.

"C'mere Jerry, Shannon got independence so why the flock do the Dubs still run our airport? "

If you are trying to get a medical card or if your alcoholic anti-social neighbours are playing trance until 5am every night and you’d like some peace or if you’d simply like to get your child into an oversubscribed local school then badgering your local polly-tish-un is the main option.

If you have a long held opinion on a Cork issue (the Dublin ownership  of our airport or total Cork sovereignty for example) then email them, phone them or say it directly to their cute-hoor head when you see them. Be a pest, be a Rebel.

Pretending your a girl is just some of the ways Cork fans try to get the attention of their GAA heroes

10. Book Yourself In
There are an ever increasing number of tomes available about Cork’s history. From the cold grit of Tom Barry’s inspiring Guerrilla Days in Ireland (if you think we have it bad nowadays you need to read this) to less terrifying reads such as a history of the local music scene Cork Rock by Mark McCarthy.

Every true Corkonian should read this. You'll find it on Amazon.

Books on Cork’s history are mesmerising - Michael Linehan’s Pure Cork and Seán Beecher’s Cork 365 are filled with fascinating minuté about our city and should be compulsory reading for every Corkonian.

Obviously there are a litany of sports books from our heroes like Christy Ring, Keano, Jack Lynch, Brian Corcoran, Donal Óg and Teddy Mac that have so many inspiring shiver-up-the-spine moments that you should tuck a hot water bottle inside your geansaí before you open them.