Travel Advice for FAI Cup Final 2015

3rd Nov 2015

Fans travelling to the Aviva Stadium for the FAI Cup Final this weekend won’t just be nervous about Cork City FC’s second massive showdown title decider with Dundalk in 12 months – having to go and travel around Dublin will add another layer of tension.

We issue the usual advice in relation to visiting what Joe Duffy recently referred to as an “unadulterated kip” – remain on full alert at all times when walking on streets preferably wearing a smog mask to prevent your Leeside lungs from filling up with toxic fumes from the Pale’s notorious traffic jams, ear plugs to minimise exposure to Dublin accents and an assault weapon of some sort for protection – large CCFC flag, hurley, taser gun etc.
 

Remember to remain open minded: not ALL of Dublin’s one million plus population are criminals – some of them are Cork fellas who live up there, God help us - but it’s better to assume that every single person you see who isn’t wearing a Cork City FC jersey up there is out to get you. Big time.

And don’t be the naïve culchie. These days being robbed in broad daylight on Dame Street or Lansdowne Road is as likely as being robbed down a dark alley in Finglas on Halloween night in the dead of night. Nobody is safe.

Shamrock Rovers fans will not be allowed into the Aviva on Saturday

Monitor all round you continuously for likely attackers as you side-step terrified along the street of the capital sliding your back against the walls – the crowds of wizened heroin addicts or groups of skinny lads with their hands down the front of their tracksuit pants might seem like the most likely suspects but think again.

While you’re nervously watching them through a restaurant window it’s the waiting staff cackling to themselves as they prepare the €45.50 bill for a nine inch pizza and one warm 33CL beer that are the ones robbing you blind.

Dublin children also pose a significant threat to your personal safety.  Most of them are actually adults who were breastfed chips and coddle by their mothers and are now masquerading as innocent-looking sickly kids who can break and enter houses via letterboxes and air vents.   
 

Take advice from these Dublin lads - run everywhere to get off the streets as quickly as possible

Knowing the difference between Southside Dubs from Northside Dubs is useful for Cork fans heading up to Dirty Aul Town for the match.

Dublin norries will rob you immediately and directly in a very aggressive way to feed their drugs habits and Sky Sports subscriptions while the Sorries prefer a slower but bigger long-term theft by taking your money via their employers – most of them work for banks, financial institutions, consultancy firms that do murrayeah-jobs for the government departments or quangos.

Both types can be identified by their accents and clothing. Northsiders wear tracksuits and sound like bluebottle flies trapped behind a netted curtain that have the winter vomiting bug while Southsiders wear pink shirts or pink scarves and sound like they’re trying to swallow an imaginary sliothar while somebody electrocutes them with a cattle prodder.  
 

DANGEROUS DUBLIN
Now that there are at least two well advertised special fan trains going from Kent Station to Dublin for the match the zombies of Dublin will really fancy their chances as fans make their way from Hueston Station to the Aviva Stadium for the game.  

In a survey we did of one thousand Corkonians who had to go to Dublin in the last month 100% of them were robbed, kidnapped and tortured at some point during their visit.

For example Matty Joe Creedon from Dromahane who was visiting “a friend” up there in early October was charged €7.45 for a hipster craft ale, held by staff until he agreed to pay for it and then had to drink something that wasn’t brewed in Cork – pure and utter torture. We have sent a dossier to the Human Rights Court in The Hague on his behalf.  

Matty has framed and donated the receipt for the drink to his local GAA club who will add it to their Christmas raffle prize list – there isn’t a Cork man who wouldn’t love to display such an outrageous document in his house as proof he is living in the right county.

GLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY SING LIKE A BEE
Once the match has finished on Saturday and you have left the stadium it is important to spend as much time as possible gloating about the win. A taxi to Tallaght and home of Shamrock Rovers probably costs around €500 but it will be money well spent.

Drape your Cork flags out each window and insist that your driver sounds the horn continually while you sing that beautiful air oft heard bouncing around the meadows of Turner’s Cross “You are a jackeen, a dirty jackeen…”.  

Enjoy the match feens and come back alive!