Vacuum Pack Donnacha O'Connor

26th Jul 2011

Rumour has it that an emergency motion may be passed at the Cork County Board in secret this week to ensure Cork’s All Ireland winning forwards who remain uninjured are vacuum packed.

So precious is their talent and so unsporting was the physical challenge from Down’s desperate defenders last weekend that Cork’s forward division looks more like a battered army regiment fresh out of the trenches than a bunch of highly talented amateur footballers so we need to hang on to every precious piece of talent we’ve got.

Watch out Donnacha! A Kerry man with a stick!

If the motion is approved by delegates it may see stars such as Donnacha O’Connor, Paddy Kelly and Paul Kerrigan being inserted into plastic wrapping to prevent them from injury. Only after the ball is thrown in at 4pm on Sunday will they be cut loose from their protective packaging and allowed to run riot against the Mayo backline.

Aside from human rights and concerns over health and safety there may be a problem getting enough wrapping to cover the likes of giant Pearse O’Neill to protect him from injury.

The Gooch is regularly vacuum packed by Kerry to protect him from being eaten by other natives

Standing at something approaching nine feet tall and rumoured to eat whole raw lambs (and that's just for breakfast) the only thing not gigantic about the Aghada attacker is his position in the “half” forward line – everything else about him is full on.

Deploying the east Cork colossus around the midfield could cause additional mayhem for Mayo’s perky midfield duo and expect the remaining uninjured Cork forwards to rise to the challenge and fill the shoes of those left behind adequately.

Chalk this down: championship 2011 will be the making of new Cork heroes.