Ways Limerick Can beat Cork

20th Jul 2006

Ways Limerick Can Win
Finbarr Barry

Somebody once said "you can never write off Limerick". Yes you can - the Peoples Republic are more than happy to oblige:

Limerick have absolutely no chance of beating the Rebels this year. There you go. We're not going to discuss tactics on the field, Limerick's strike force, the short puck outs, Tom Kenny's runs, Joe Deane's merciless free taking or the trouble in the Limerick camp.

Frankly, there is no point. We're not being harsh just realistic. It would be unfair to our Limerick readers however (we know ye are reading lads) if we didn't at least make some effort in finding ways their team can win on Saturday that does involve grievous bodily harm, kidnapping or any other direct forms of violence.

POISON THE DRISHEEN
Should the entire Cork panel come down with a bug before the game - somebody slipping some salmonella into their pre-match drisheen perhaps - then Cork would have to draft in some emergency players to ensure safe passage to the semis.

The first stop might be the Intermediate team who won the Munster title last weekend for the fourth time in a row but its still unlikely this woeful Limerick "Senior" team would be able to put this rebel side in full swing away.

The deviants would have to poison half the county to ensure a sufficiently weakened Cork side would line out to guarantee them victory. If the Rebel squad ended up as a combination of St. Finbarr's under 12s, a selection of the bingo veterans from the Father Mathew Hall and a couple of Latvians working on the roof of a house just outside Mitchelstown there might be some hope for the Shannonsiders. It could happen.

McKenna resigned after Tipp defeat.

PACTS WITH THE DEVIL
By the grace of God we have been born Corkonian so there's little hope that the Man Above has any interest in giving the men in green a helping hand on Saturday evening. Their best hope is to stand at a crossroads outside the town of Hospital on Friday night where they can meet the devil himself after a few pints. There they can exchange their souls for victory the following day.

The devil will arrange a plethora of bizarre wides and sliothars veering strangely towards the posts for Cork. At the moment Deano goes to strike an easy 30 yard free in front of the posts his hurley will suddenly heat up causing him to drop the hurley and forsake the scoring opportunity- much to the bewilderment of the Cork crowd. This will happen anytime a Cork player attempts to score.

Voices will speak to Sully through out the first half causing him to lash out indiscriminately and have himself sent off. Actually the devil might need

Some of the up and coming under 14s at Newtownshandrum.

the gift of the gab and get around to all the Cork backs - Limerick will need all the room they can get to make any impression on the scoreboard.


CYBORGS IN THE HEAT WAVE
Our Nobel Prize winning research work on the physical make up of O'Connor twins has been published in thousands of Scientific Journals worldwide at this stage. Last season we revealed that there is a strong possibility that Ben and Jerry are both cyborgs - the pace of Tom Kenny against Clare has also caused the Peoples Republic research team "to widen their investigation" to include the midfielder.

Its well known that most cyborgs operate best in temperatures no greater than 20 degrees Celsius. The recent heat wave could be proving troublesome for the Newtownshandrum duo - they have been kept in air conditioned rooms for the last week lest crucial circuits melt in the intense heat.

John Allen will have to decide whether to play the boys and risk losing his best machinery for the rest of the campaign. Limerick may be able to sweat out a victory if the worst comes to the worst for the Intel powered county champions.

How long more are you going to let it linger?

DELORES O'RIORDAN SINGS
There's a great story from the 2004 championship when Guns and Roses song "Welcome to the Jungle" was playing on the Cork team bus heading to the All Ireland final. Suddenly Brian Corcoran rose from his seat and moved towards the front of the bus. Players thought the Erin's Own man was going to mute Axel Rose's vocals but instead he turned it up full blast and returned to his seat - the message was clear:

" If you got a hunger for what you see you'll take it eventually"

You can be sure Delores O'Riordan's whiny Limerick voice is not on the Rebels' iPods this week. The songstress certainly didn't make a name for herself by singing inspiring upbeat motivational songs.

Limerick selectors might consider parachuting O'Riordan into the stadium after Amhr·n na bhFiann singing the spirit draining "do you have to let it linger'