Whats Wacko Doing in Cork?

26th Jun 2006

Whats Wacko Doing in Cork?
Danny Elbow

The self proclaimed King of Pop is back in Cork after eighteen years, arriving unexpectedly on a humble low cost flight from Paris last week. Rather than deal with rumours floating in dark corners we decided to pull them out in the open. What is Michael really doing in Cork? Is he here to suss out the suspiciously lapse paedo laws or just popping round for a lamp at the greatest place on Earth?

Playing at the Spiegeltent?
After Tortured Soul cancelled their gig it was thought that Midsummer festival co-ordinator Ali Robertson had pulled off the biggest coup since Oliver Barry convinced Wacko to bring his Bad Tour to Cork in July 1988.

Jacko had specifically requested that the Dutch Gold Kid and 'Bouncer Song' star GMC support him at any gig in Cork but festival diplomats could not convince GMC to step into the arena after he found out that a bouncer who refused him entry to a club in 2001 was now working as security at the Spiegeltent on Emmet Place. Who would have thought sticking to your guns meant so much to a city?

Opening a new playground in Kanturk?
My hole.


Diddle Eye?
Its widely rumoured that Jackson may be here to hang out with his sweaty pal Michael Flatley. The Lord of the Dance star moved to North Cork a few years ago and sales of male cosmetics have mysteriously spiralled to become the region's second biggest source of income replacing revenue spinners bounty hunting and tarot card reading.

Michael's music career has been quenched by events in U.S. courtrooms and its unlikely the star will be making another pop album in the near future. Hip shaking dance moves were always part and parcel of Jackson's shows but now that the superstar is

edging towards his fiftieth birthday he may have come to learn the slightly less demanding Limerick Waltz or the Siege of Ennis from the master himself earning himself some badly needed bucks as a guest at Flatley's Celtic Tiger shows.

Man on the Moon?
T'was only the week before last we were talking about trying to get a Corkman on the moon as soon as possible and suddenly the Moonwalk specialist himself arrives in town. Did Jacko get wind of the project in Bahrain and hope to fulfil his dream of making it into outer space in the back of the Rebel lunar module?

Its not his first attempt. NASA were said to be delighted at the prospect of putting Jackson up into orbit when first approached in 2003.

"He has been practicing the moonwalk for years but the trouble was", said a spokesman in Washington, "Michael wanted to come back down as well which we hadn't factored into our plans".

Here To Help Con O'Leary with the Silage in Castlelyons?
There are lessons to be learned far beyond those of the land on Cork's farms. Gentle Jackson may have felt his two sons were turning out to be a bit too girly and there'd be nobody better than the silage makers of Castlelyons to straighten them out.

Work starts at dawn and ends an hour after sun down which should give Princes Michael I and II quite a culture shock and toughen up those fragile Californian hands.

We called Con O'Leary's mobile and over the thunderous roar of some unidentifiable farm machinery being used to slaughter an unidentifiable animal he howled that that he never heard of any fecker by the name of Jack or his son Michael. Dowtcha Con.

Whose bad now ha?

To Take in a Munster Final?
Arriving in Cork with 27 pieces of luggage you'd think it was a hurling squad Jackson was bringing with him but such was the mesmerising skill of Cork against Clare, Jackson who probably watched the game on satellite station Setanta decided he would make the trip to Tipp himself to see the team of the decade in the flesh.

Diarmuid O'Sullivan is rumoured to be one of the Cork team's biggest Michael Jackson fans and was hoping to convince his idol that a return Pairc Ui Chaoimh gig organised by the GPA would net the players some badly needed cash.

The Rock was said to be devastated when Michael didn't turn up to give a team talk in the Cork dressing room before the game. Senior Cork management were said to be against the move which, they said, might unsettled the younger members of the squad. Apparently Jackson sold his Killinan End ticket to a Cork fan in Liberty Square about 11am at well above face value. The profit will be used to pay Jackson's costly legal bills back home in California.