Who else needs a Dinny funt?

17th Sep 2018

Last weekend’s fantastic Cork victories at the World Rowing Championships by the O’Donovan brothers and Sanita Puspure were matched by another Rebel victory closer to home. Footage emerged last Sunday of three raiders entering a bookies in Glanmire the previous evening, only to be tackled by eighty year old local man Denis O’Connor who turfed them out.

The extraordinary footage shows three masked men entering the shop – two jumping the counter holding hammers while a third points, what appears to be a gun, at the shop’s two customers. The octogenarian darts behind the counter and overpowers one of the hammer wielding raiders before bundling him out the door causing the gunman to panic too and leg it.

The best is yet to come though. When the third raider gives up after a brief struggle with the young, feisty staff member he runs into Dinny O’Connor on his way out and stumbles as he bolts for the exit. To add to the hilarious humiliation of Ireland’s most incompetent criminals, the pensioner pivots quickly and places a beautiful, firm boot into the raider’s arse.
 

The Dinny Funt

The footage of Denis’s heroics, the raiders’ embarrassing robbery attempt and that final, humiliating ‘funt’ up the arse has become an online hit. Denis’s all-action pragmatism in dealing with these jokers has inspired us to think about what other bluffers getting on Cork’s nerves could do with a well-placed Dinny Funt…

Housing Minister, Eoin Murphy
We’re making progress, he says. We’re building houses, he says. And, er, yes, the numbers are going the wrong way, he says. This messer has been in the job, talking rubbish, for far too long while thousands of Irish kids go without homes. He needs to be turfed out the door with a swift Dinny funt up his privileged Dublin 4 arse.
 

Harry Arter
Who does this fella think he is standing up to The Boy Keane and telling him that he’s not the gaffer of the Republic of Ireland?  Martin O’Neill is the Michael D. Higgins of Irish football - a polite figurehead with no real power. We all know the way it works: Roy writes the team sheet, hands it to Martin who then tells the players. Arter should present his buttocks for a Dinny Funt at the next Ireland training camp. Only those with Premiership medals should be allowed to execute the funt.  

The Office of Public Walls
High concrete walls around our beautiful river? No, thanks, OPW. This crowd of bluffers should be treated exactly like the Glanmire chicken raiders, except instead of throwing them out onto the road to go back to Dublin they should be Dinny funted off Sullivan’s Quay, and told to swim home. Of course, they’ll be glad of the low walls around the River Lee when they’re desperately trying to attract the attention of passers-by, won’t they?

Your man, Simon Coveney
The messing that this man, who is allegedly the second most powerful man in the country, has done with Cork’s event centre definitely earns him a Dinny Funt. In fact, what this project really needs is not more time in planning, another waffle heavy press release about how another announcement will be made soon or more bluffy applications for funding by the developer but a giant, whopper of a funt up the arse.

The Northern Assembly
Well used to balaclavas and humiliating failures, Norn Iron’s assembly hasn’t met in nearly two years despite its politicians being paid handsomely to sit around shouting something about ‘brown cows’ at each other. Quite diplomacy hasn’t worked so get them into a room with Dinny O’Connor and if they don’t play ball, bundle them out Glanmire style and stop their pay – no ifs or butts!

Boris Johnson
The man who is responsible for Britain leaving the European Union ran from power quicker than a chicken with an underpants on his head in a Glanmire betting shop, when he was given the chance.

Instead of a pair of jocks on his head, Johnson keeps an electrocuted sheep on his, yet our neighbours are about to follow him over the Brexit cliff like the three clowns running blind into the bookies. Johnson should be run out of the British Parliament and given a swift Dinny Funt up the gluteus maximus.

PanaSpams
The softly-softly approach of Panaban 2 means private cars are still spamming Patrick’s Street in the late afternoon hoping not to be nabbed. Gardaí on bikes order some of them to turn around but what is really needed is for drivers to be hauled out their cars on a live Facebook feed and Dinny funted back in behind the wheel. That’ll learn them.