Who'll Kill Kenny?

31st Aug 2006

Who'll Kill Kenny?
Finbarr Barry

You're probably expecting this column to try to convince you that Cork will win on Sunday. No need - we know you know Cork will win already. The dogs on the street know what the result will be but who exactly will win it for Cork?

The difference between Cork and Kilkenny is simple and not unlike the difference between Cork and the other no hopers they've already crushed this season. In all cases this year Cork have had to shut down one or two major play makers to win matches: Tipp's Eoin Kelly, Waterford's Dan Shanahan, and Banner man Colin Lynch etc.

On the other hand with Cork, when Ben and Deano are quiet you have Timmy, Niall Mac and Neil Ronan to belt over points. And did we mention the frighteningly motivated multiple All-Star Brian Corcoran? The teenage sensation Cathal Naughton? Or road runner combo Tom and Jerry cutting through defences like hot knives through butter?

Critics like having a dig at Cork's forwards but if you were Brian Cody this week which Cork forward would you focus on? If they focus on one or two Cork forwards the others will pop up. Its like Russian roulette for the Cats.

The answer is much simpler for John Allen: Henry Shefflin. He got 1-13 against Clare. Do you think Se·n ”g will let him away with that?!

Ah c'mere til I give a hug boy! If you are the gorgeous Cork fan in the PROC t-shirt we want to talk to you about a modelling contract.

The one man who will ensure rebel victory this weekend has yet to play Kilkenny in the Championship in his current position. It has been rumoured that Cork boss John Allen is so astute he can win a game of Connect Four in two moves and such are his incredibly effective substitutions that it is widely believed that Allen has a sixth sense which tells him when to make a crucial replacements minutes before it would cross another selector's mind.

The belief comes from an experiment rumoured to have been conducted by the Cork County Board before Allen's appointment as bainisteoir, where the St. Finbarr's man was blindfolded on the sideline and forced to listen to Christy Hennessy's albums through headphones yet was still fully aware of what was taking place on the pitch at training.

Despite not being able to see a thing he would shout sporadic instructions to the squad:

"Ben! Please don't slow down before you rise the ball - keep running at full tilt."

Having somebody like John Allen at the helm is like Kilkenny having to play hurling in the dark while Cork players wear night vision goggles. His rival Brian Cody is one of hurling's great coaches and is in control of the only team Allen has yet to beat in his otherwise flawless CV.

Managing an inter-county senior hurling team on match day requires balls of steal and a mind so quick it would put a pentium processor to shame. John Allen has been getting a little emotional on the sidelines this season but Brian Cody's tomato coloured complexion makes it look like he might spontaneously combust at any moment - especially when bleating instructions at his players.

Allen secured Keane for squad talk.

To monitor and manage a senior hurling team one's brain must be up to the task. This is fine for Cork brains like Allen's but a mind like Cody's must work twice as hard to achieve similar results and like a laptop computer Cody's brain heats up dangerously when trying to charge up his troops. Hence the toasty complexion.

Inchydoney
The weekend before last, the Cork team retreated to the West Cork hideaway of Inchydoney to decide on their master plan for the final. It was in this very location last year that the successful game plan against Galway was hatched.

The short passing game everybody expected Cork to stick to resolutely was replaced with a bombardment of the Galway half back line by Quartermaster General ”g Cusack. We all know the result.

So as you read this the masterplan is already being implemented in training behind closed doors under the watchful eye of Bainisteoir Allen. The i's have been dotted and t's have been crossed - the only thing left to do is to turn up on Sunday to collect the Liam McCarthy Cup and kick start the party.

In the words of the great man himself: "The only team that will beat Cork are themselves".

Never doubt'