Wintertime Toilet Seats

6th Feb 2003

Wintertime Toilet Seat TechniquesSometimes I think of Father Ted when I have an encounter with the toilet seat. That big-old-hairy ass would be just the thing for those cold bathroom situations as what seems like a chilling gale replaces the trapped air on lowering your jocks. Arriving into the bathroom shivering and dancing up and down in anticipation (we don't have to say why) there is never much time to decide. Many people like to sit on their hands but we feel there are other more hygenic techniques deserving of consideration....FrictionLand on the seat with force and begin vigorous horizontal motion. With such high intensity butt action a stable and secure toilet seat is required. College and school seats generally seem to be stronger. Despite the low waiting time be wide though: emerging from the bog telling your flat mates, old doll or parents that you've broken the toilet seat might be a little embarrassing....eh..I was just trying to create a little friction in the toilet and the seat broke like.... Kettle of Hot Water Not the neatest method but you're guaranteed a warm seat for the extent of your stay at the expense of a soggy bathroom floor. For some people it might be soggy already so this could be the way forward. Time wise waiting for the kettle could be disastrous especially if you're already on a 'code-red-10-second-warning'. Also be careful of where you leave the kettle. Crouch and Hover Should only be performed by the extremely fit or by the lightly loaded. Hovering for one or two minutes around six inches to one foot above the toilet seat while the task is carried out. Be wary of nose divers or direct hits which could see your plan backfire with freezing cold (and sadly possibly muddy) water jump out and bite your already shivering buttocks. Men have also been known to be struck by what's generally known in Cork as friendly fire in such situations. You don't want to have to have a shower as well.Toilet Paper TechniqueOften the most under marketed of products is good ol' bog roll. A 20th century revolution. There are many uses of toilet roll outside the bog itself that are inappropriate to discuss here however this is a marketing opportunity that toilet roll (or should we say bathroom tissue) manufacturers seem to ignore. Those ads on telly about thinner but-still-as-strong-as-ever brands never appeal to us. We need it thicker and with a high tog value like a continental quilt to place under bare thighs when our shivering souls dock at the bowl resting on the padded surface like a ship and its fenders. Needless to say all cleansing should be performed in a standing position with the exception of the Kettle technique.Speaking of Bog Roll.....Its the Wiggle Technique Ever find yourself i do shu'