Yes and No Arguments in a Nut Shell

29th May 2012

Corkonians have a tough choice to make on Thursday May 31^st. Debate from the Yes and No camps has been its usual irrational self so here’s our summary of what both sides are saying to help you decide which way you’ll vote:

CONSEQUENCES OF VOTING YES ACCORDING TO THE NO CAMP

1. Compulsory Lederhosen
Corkonians will be obliged to wear  the embarrassing leather dungarees  worn by Germans from the Bayern region to pretend they’re less German and thus less guilty of you-know-what. The cost of your manky new kit will be automatically deducted by Revenue’s new head office in Bonn.

2. The Bells of Die Glockenshandonhofenkirchturm
This will be the new name forced on Shandon Steeple if we vote Yes. The clocks will be switched to German time and all four will read exactly the same - our new European masters have no time for little white lies.

How oft do mein thoughts und zayur fancies take ze flight

3. Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire
Your Friday morning hangover fry up will have all its lovely Cork sausages and rashers replaced by stodgy German wurst. No eggs, no fried tomatoes and no black pudding either. The boiling point of water will also be reduced to keep your Barry’s tea from being too warm so you will knock it back and return to work quicker to help repay the debts of unsecure bondholders.

4. Good Housekeeping
This outrageous suggestion that we should have to balance our books is a disgrace. Sure, there’s no craic to be had from keeping our borrowing under control and not buying anything we want when we want it. If you work as an office cleaner four hours a week and you want to get a few million off a dodgy bank for a seventeen bedroom mansion in Glengarrif why should anyone stop you? Imagine the party you’d have down there! That’s a human right. Isn’t it?

A yes vote means the Department of Finance will have to cut out some of the messing

5. You’re in the Army Now
It didn’t happen after we voted for Lisbon (the second time) so this treaty must be the final trigger for this conscription business that we’ve been told about so often by the No-ers. After voting Tá you might as pack your bags, kiss your old doll goodbye and wait for your direct flight to Helmand Province, Afghanistan.
 

CONSEQUENCES OF VOTING NO ACCORDING TO THE YES CAMP

1. Right Folks Please
As money will allegedly run out if there’s a No vote then Ireland will have to be abandoned completely. The civil defence will call round to your house to help you pack up and a “Closed” sign will be hung up on Roches Point lighthouse as the last Corkonian heads out the harbour.

2. Roads Returned
All the fancy dual carriageways, motorways and pot hole fillings will have to be packed up and sent back to Brussels who forked out for them (so they could get their exports in here easier). The country may have to return to horses as the main mode of transport – the sulky race out the Mallow Road a few weeks ago was believed to be a secret government experiment to see if the M7 and M8 line could be replaced with piebald ponies if there’s a No vote.

'This is the 1430 service to Kent Station Cork calling at Limerick Junction, Charleville and Mallow'.

3. Bank Run
Even though the Yes lads keep telling us it’s a bad thing, a ‘run on the banks’ has always sounded like a fierce craic to us and you’d be tempted into the No camp just to see the lads in suits panicking at press conferences in fancy Dublin hotels. Everyone taking their hard earned grade out of the corrupt and greedy institutions that have bankrupted the country sounds like a laugh to be honest.  Make it a sponsored run for charity too to make sure everyone gets on board.

Vote Yes for more European flas 'Hey Paddy, I vant to see you try a run on my bank'.

4. Back to the Punt
Having our own currency and being able to control it is being made to sound like we’d be taking the country back in time. Who would want to go back centuries to that period when we shared the currency of our near neighbours? That went well for a few hundred years didn’t it? We were all happy as Larry in those days – sure who knows what those mad lads in 1916 were on about.

5. Yes for Jobs
When the votes are counted on Friday the result will be delivered to Taoiseach Angela’s waiting palm in her opulent cave deep in the Black Forest. If the result of the referendum pleases Frau Merkel then she will immediately permit hoards of billion dollar corporations and entrepreneurs to flood Ireland with factories, offices and laboratories desperate for workers. Dole offices will be closed from next week on as everyone will have a job.  So vote Yes and don’t forget to staple your CV to the ballot paper.