You Sexy Witch

28th Oct 2010

Cork can be a scary place at times. As Halloween approaches we take a look at some of the recent strange happenings around the Rebel County….

BLOOD AND BANDAGES
What Corkonian didn't get shivers up their spine on hearing this grim news? The thought of Seán Óg Ó hAilpín not playing for Cork next year has gripped many Corkonians with fear.

Many of us hardly remember a time without the sight of his powerful physique bounding down the sideline in blood and bandage, ball in hand leaving some victim behind him reeling in terror. What dark force is really behind this puzzling exorcism?

One would have thought that Séan Óg's vast experience and trim shape would at least have allowed him a mentoring role with the senior squad in the same way that Munster Rugby holds on to its own 'legends' when they are deemed not to have 'the legs' anymore. One day you are here, the next you vanish into thin air. Cork GAA is certainly not for the faint hearted.

One of Cork's almost 300 ghost estates

GHOST TOWNS
In case you didn't know Cork has the highest number of empty half-finished housing estates on the island of Ireland. With the government's catastrophic handling of the economy compared to others in Europe it's probably safe to say that Cork has the highest number of ghost estates in the world making the Rebel county the spookiest space on earth….for property developers at least.

Mysteriously nobody is taking responsibility for these allegedly inexplicable events. Like a small town murder, anyone who should know seems to know anything - instead of a wall of silence though we've got a wall of PR drivel.

Belief in the supernatural is now commonplace. Billy Kelliher, one of Fianna Fail's proudest ambassadors seems to think it's all the fault of the Lehmann Brothers collapse and that some mysterious force will fix the country's finances: a bit like the way some people seem to believe that the movement of stars in outer space will determine whether their lotto plus numbers will come up next Saturday night. Scary stuff indeed.

TORRENTS OF DOOM
There's an enormous building full of nerdy scientists in a lovely place called Ispra about an hour's drive from Milan. It's called the Joint Research Centre (JRC) and is full of real life flash-bang experimental potion brewing and men in goggles observing weird scientific phenomena. It's here that the European Commission get the hoards of data that determine science policy across the member states.

With their advanced weather predicting technology the JRC knew that Ireland, especially the south, would be subjected to unusually severe rainfall two weeks before last November's devastating floods struck the Rebel County. Frighteningly the Dublin government had not signed up to the JRC's weather warnings and the cruel curse of incompetency among the devils in Dublin has cost Cork city dear.

The misery monitor under the Ford ad pumps out the bad news

Worryingly much of the damage has yet to be repaired and the answers from those who were responsible give little solace to citizens who live near the raging river.

The crumbled wall at Grenville Place that let the River Lee into the Mercy Hospital still remains eerily untouched and the roadblock is still in place - if the river rises again with such force who knows what havoc may wreaked by these torrents of doom.

MYSTERIOUS MESSAGES OF MISERY
No Halloween is complete without a scary movie on a big screen. Upon being terrorised by the horrors of Hollywood however one can always sleep easier knowing that the flicks are only fiction.

Cork has a new 24 hour horror show that can be seen from Patrick Street. A screen mounted on the wall at Patrick's Quay dispenses all manner of horrific crime all day every day.

From rampaging paedophile priests and armed robberies, to random stabbings and gangland shootings in Dublin, the terrifying choice of content for such a predominant piece of public neon is bizarre and inexplicable.

When driving home after a nice meal out on the town, strolling home after a few hearty pints with the boys or just waiting to catch a bus home from Patrick Street after an enjoyable gig this blue and white misery monitor is sure to remind you of the horrors of the real world.

Does anyone know who is behind the publications of these chilling messages? Who feeds it the dastardly declarations of evil that run across its screen? A shocking mystery that Corkonians like us would love to unravel.

On a broom stick an' all

FLAUNTING THE FLAB
Halloween parties have changed. Instead of being full of scary (and thus less attractive) souls, fancy dress get-togethers have become an opportunity for Cork's female population to dress up and look stunning.

Gone are ghastly ghouls, horrible hags and craggy nose witches with wands and warts. Here to stay are seductive 'cats' in eye popping wonder bras, short-skirted nurses ready to 'take your temperature' and sexy long legged witches in torturously high stilettos.

For fellas it can be an unexpected treat but the new trend isn't without its tricks either.

While we will leave the finer details of how to expose one's flesh correctly to the experts in the 'Women on Wednesday' supplement, the scary downside to this flesh exposing phenomenon is that much of it can be ghastly in the extreme.

While some Halloween costumes make their wearers look like they're on a night off from a lap dancing club others look like they've escaped from a Weight Watchers camp having spent the last three years eating burgers, chips and carotene tablets to make their skin look more orange than others.

If you insist on not embracing the compulsory scary ugliness that has always been associated with Halloween fancy dress parties then at least if you're trying to be sexy have a sincere look in a full length mirror before you head out. You never know what monster might look back at you.